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Jason Toews and fifi (the band)

fifi Lyrics 7: The “Paul’s Basement” Tapes

usefists

Paul’s Basement

basement

Every healthy teenager
Needs a place to retreat
Like a treehouse or a clubhouse
Mine was right across the street

We found our cherished haven
In the basement over at Paul’s
Acoustic tile overhead
And faux wood-panelled walls

Long before the trials
Of marriage and employment
Paul’s rec room was the site
Of our greatest enjoyment

When adults are saying NO
Paul’s Basement!
There is someplace you can go
Paul’s Basement!

Here is Paul’s sofa
Stained with soda and coffee
Here is Paul’s tarantula
Which, for some reason, he named Khaddafi

Watching movies that were scary
Paul’s Basement!
It was our sanctuary
Paul’s Basement!

The group included two Jeffs
One being Paul’s younger brother
There were also multiple Erics
First Creery, and then… some others

Clint also met his wife there
Though Eric didn’t, sadly
Not for lack of trying
But it always ended badly

Fast food dining
Paul’s Basement!
While we watched The Shining
Paul’s Basement!

Though an honor roll student
I could find no replacement
For the after-school programs
Which were held in Paul’s Basement

Stringed instrument repair shop
And musicological academy
And on the couch, under the afghan,
We took lessons in human anatomy

In the electronics sessions
We learned some technical tricks
Like using Paul’s silver boombox
To illegally dupe albums by Styx

Watching Videodrome
Paul’s Basement
We might never go home
Paul’s Basement

Within this subterranean
And shag-carpetted setting
We partook of heavy metal
And also heavy petting

Presiding over this milieu
Of squalor proletariat
Paul sat ensconced in his La-Z-Boy
Like Ben Hur in his chariot

Watching movies underground
Paul’s Basement!
Sound system not surround
Paul’s Basement!

Here is Paul’s beloved father
Who usually stays upstairs
Of the late-night debauchery
He is generally unaware

Except that time he surprised
An unsuspecting couple
Making out in Paul’s bedroom
And we all got in trouble

When adults are saying NO
Paul’s Basement!
There is someplace you can go
Paul’s Basement!

When adults are saying NO
Paul’s Basement!
There is someplace you can go
Paul’s Basement!

Grand Cinemas R.I.P.

Opened its doors in ‘81
It was luxurious and first-run
Biggest snack bar we’d ever seen
Reclining seats and Asteroids machines

We saw “Road Warrior” and “Clash of the Titans”
Made out with our girlfriends when they got frightened
Or at least we thought they were frightened
I don’t think they actually were frightened

Alderwood Cinemas called “The Grand”
The finest multiplex in the land
Part of our shared history
Grand Cinemas Alderwood… R.I.P.

You could sneak in four people and pay for two
When we were broke, that’s what we had to do
Or if the movie was rated R
And we had no I.D. card

Alderwood Cinemas called “The Grand”
The finest multiplex in the land
Part of our shared history
Grand Cinemas Alderwood… R.I.P.

(solo)

Alderwood Cinemas called “The Grand”
The finest multiplex in the land
Part of our shared history
Grand Cinemas Alderwood… R.I.P.

Saw “Runaway Train” with my girlfriend
When we got married, we went there again
And even during our painful divorce
We saw “The Fifth Element” (or was it the fourth?)

Ghirardelli Flicks from a cardboard tube
Talking out loud – which was really rude
Waiting in the rain for a late ride home
One last glance, and she was gone, gone, gone…

Alderwood Cinemas called “The Grand”
The finest multiplex in the land
Part of our shared history
Grand Cinemas Alderwood… R.I.P.

Must’ve been six months or maybe more
The last time I went through those doors
The name of the movie I don’t remember
But the broken seats screwed up my lumbar

Auditoriums empty, snack bars forsaken
All the Coming Soon posters have been taken
Like the Life of Brian and the Wrath of Khan
Grand Cinemas, your legend will live on…

Alderwood Cinemas called “The Grand”
The finest multiplex in the land
Part of our shared history
Grand Cinemas Alderwood… R.I.P.

Police Brutality

So eager to see the Police
That when we finally got the chance
We headed down to Tacoma
Lined up two days in advance

We heard they sucked in concert
We refused to believe
We heard that it might rain
We wore shirts without any sleeves

We didn’t bring a tent
Couldn’t make it with the hotties
Sleeping bags got drenched
Had to sleep in the porta-potties

Police Brutality
Assaulted by the crowd
Police Brutality
The bass was much too loud

Sack full of K-Mart cassettes
And a mono deck made by GE
But which tape to listen to
We could never agree

(eric)
“Houses of the Holy”?
Or maybe “Soft Parade”?

(jason)
I taped over your Doors albums
With Stray Cats’ “Built for Speed”!

When the rain shorted out the tape deck
The argument became moot
Tried to sneak in with the roadies
But security gave us the boot

Police Brutality
We preferred the Fixx
Police Brutality
Or even Stevie Nicks

Our friends said they’d come in the morning
Said they’d bring us some food
Our friends didn’t come in the morning
And we were basically screwed

I sprinted for the stage
Tenacious as a terrier
But then I sprained my ankle
Jumping over a barrier

Eric was developing whooping cough
I was not feeling well at all
Feverish, hungry, and limping
We made our way to THE WALL!

Police Brutality
In line for thirty hours
Police Brutality
Beneath torrential showers

Standing in front of the stage
We felt vindicated and justified
Even if our illness and injuries
Left us deaf and paralyzed

20,000 Police fans
Crushed us up against the fence
We finally gave up our spots
Halfway through the Thompson Twins

Panicking, we screamed for help
Security pulled us over the wall
Then they ushered us down a walkway
All the way to the back of the hall

Police Brutality
At the mighty Tacoma Dome
Police Brutality
We wished we’d stayed at home

Police Brutality
Feeling feverish and sick
Police Brutality
Sting was kind of a dick

With one breath
With one flow
You will know
POLICE BRUTALITY!

Jason Goes to Hell

I was young and I was care-free
Things seemed to be going so well
Little did I suspect then
That soon I’d be visiting HELL

I had a job and a beautiful son
I was content in my wedded bliss
But this was only the calm
Before plunging into the abyss

After seven faithful years
I found myself unemployed
Gone was the stability
I had previously enjoyed

Excessive auto repair bills
And questionable accounting
Left us feeling panicked
Our consumer debt was mounting…

JASON GOES TO HELL!
JASON GOES TO HELL!
JASON GOES TO HELL!
JASON GOES TO HELL!

I took a horrible job
At a failing commercial print shop
Imagine my disappointment
When the place went suddenly bankrupt

Seeing no alternative
We moved in with my wife’s parents
This was a very bad idea
Which should readily be apparent

Mother-In-Law walking in
At the most inappropriate moments
Set my teeth on edge
And sometimes left me impotent

I started to believe
That I was under some kind of curse
It was right about that time
Things got a whole lot worse

JASON GOES TO HELL!
JASON GOES TO HELL!
JASON GOES TO HELL!
JASON GOES TO HELL!

After driving us into the poorhouse
With my lack of business acumen
My intestines started to bulge through
A weak spot in my lower abdomen

It turned out that I had a hernia
In fact, I had more than one
Doctor said I needed surgery
And the recovery would be no fun

After listening to my tale of woe
My Mother-In-Law, she said to me,
“Hey, as long as they’re poking around,
Could they throw in a pro-bono vasectomy?”

After the surgery was over
I was greeted by the spectacle
Of staples pounded into my stomach
And hideously swollen testicles

JASON GOES TO HELL!
JASON GOES TO HELL!
JASON GOES TO HELL!
JASON GOES TO HELL!

The pain meds made me vomit
And the vomiting tore my stitches
I cursed aloud at my surgeons
Those goddam sons of bitches

I was feeling slightly better
One ill-fated Saturday
Then I fell 50 feet from a tree
And crushed six of my vertebrae

Max came down with chicken pox
Then vandalized Grandpa’s favorite chair
Jen had painful oral surgery
I got fired again, it wasn’t fair

So there you have my story
Of bankruptcy and chronic back pain
If you’re searching for a moral
Believe me, you’re searching in vain

JASON GOES TO HELL!
JASON GOES TO HELL!
JASON GOES TO HELL!
JASON GOES TO HELL!

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